Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney
This is where I’ll blog about my experience with my
88:8888:8816:00
Hello, internet! Two things. First, I have a boyfriend now! He's awesome, and helping with my dysphoria, and aaa! >w<
Second, I'm wearing lipstick in public for he first time! It's a weird feeling, but a euphoric one, I think! Deffo needs some getting used to.
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Oh yeah, this exists, haihai! Been a while, I have news.
I bought two things, recently, that I feel euphoric about. One is a massive PenPen plush from Miniso, costing around £150. It’s huuuuuuug!!. You’ll get to see it once I make a plushie census page, but trust me when I say that this penguin is worth the money. Very, very cuddlable, and gives my room some cutesy flair. (Though, I think my parents have seen it, and are passing it off as a plushie phase.)
The second thing is more directly a gender-related purchase — perfume. I managed to get a £13 bottle of sweet perfume from a chemist branch, under the disguise of “it’s a gift for someone who likes flowers”. Just the right amount of flowery. I’m okay with perfume because it apparently wears off in about 8 hours, so by the time I get home from university for the day, it’ll be untraceable (and so, my parents won’t know).
Overall, a great week! University’s made me feel really comfortable and included, which is why I’m suddenly buying all these feminine things. Thinking of ordering some thigh-highs from the web, though I’ve never bought something physical on a website before, so I’m a little worried about buying things from Amazon, eBay, etc.
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I made a small observation this morning — I think I find talking to women easier than talking to men. Needs more thought, but that’s how I feel.
Key phrase “I think”.
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Hello again. I came up with a phrase that expresses how I’m feeling right now.
“I’d love to meet me in person.”
I’m tired of dressing the way I do. I wanna try out clothing that actually means something to me. Leggings, skirts, etc. Long hair, especially. The tartan shirt collection is nice, but that’s about all I have that stands out to me as being, well, me.
Desperate to get treated, and wishing I was a girl to begin with. Sigh.
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Hello again! Gosh, it’s been a while, but then again, there’s not been much to say.
Still a girl. Glad that hasn’t changed.
There’s a huge amount of dissonance, though. Mainly personality-based, and a little body dysphoria. I feel like I’m not nice enough, and that I’m too harsh on people. My personality does NOT like the testosterone my body’s pumping out.
Still feeling trapped in a family of transphobes. I plan on moving to England at some point in the future, as that’s where one of my girlfriends lives, and I’m hoping I can live my actual life over there. And if I’m not moving there, I’ll at least take a holiday there.
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I think the confusion is clearing up now. Deffo a girl. :D
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It has been. A good while. Hello. People. :)
Two things. First, the GP thing didn’t happen. Second, not feeling very sure of my transness, anymore. My feelings feel invalid, now, and I don’t know if I really am a woman. Hmm.
Hope things work out soon, it’s a little distressing.
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Probably gonna be visiting my GP soon, so I’ve concocted a plan, to ask them for their number.
I’m gonna write down what my symptoms are (dizziness, etc.), but add something like “I’m secretly trans, my parents are transphobes. Discretely give me your number and I’ll chat through text later.”. I’ll read out what the symptoms are, and hand the list to them. Either that, or ask for their number for “future reference”.
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I feel like I’ve confirmed my suspicions, that I have a preference for women. It’s only been a day, so I’m still unsure, but that’s what I’ll go with for now. Not that it really matters much, socially — I’m just curious.
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So I’ve been thinking. I might have a preference for women. Don’t get me wrong, men are still hot, but… something about being in a relationship with a woman / several women is more appealing. I dunno, I’ll have to do more thinking, to be sure of it.
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Oops forgot to say this yesterday. The bracelet broke :(
Thankfully, I still have all of the pieces, so I’ll remake it another day.
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Made myself a bracelet at my autism group, tonight! Took me three tries, but it’s sooo affirming!! :D
Taken on my New 2DS XL.
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Small update. Haven’t made any progress towards getting treatment, but am still doing voice training. If you know any good feminising vocal exercises, please let me know!
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It’s been a while, hi!
Currently feeling very girly! A moment ago, briefly felt like I was in a girl’s body. Felt great! :D
I have finally found the answer to my question of “What gender am I?”, and it feels soooo good.
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Packed boobs again with my scarf. It sat well for about 5 minutes, and… I think I liked it! I think. I might try again some other time, it’s very late, and I’m tired, and need to go to bed.
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Mild euphoria! :D
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Gendered bathrooms suuuck. That is all. :)
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Completely forgot to post updates, sorry!
So. What a time to discover that my phone reboots when people call me, huh? That means I didn’t get on the phone with a health advisor, but I can try again on Monday.
Also... I’m totally a woman! Hell yeah!! This will likely be the label that fits me best. Having to update the site for a third time with my new gender is a bit of a chore :)
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Called the number I got on the 13th, and after 10 mins, got through to a receptionist. Told them about my situation, and was given two options. Call a GP over the phone, at 8:30 on Monday (I’m unlikely to do that), or call the number for the sexual health clinic.
I took the latter option, and explained the situation to the person on the phone (I wasn’t on hold for very long, this time). I gave them my new name! :D
They said a health advisor is gonna call me at 11:30 or so, so I turned my phone’s ringtone on, for that. Excited to finally get answers!
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Just thinking, I might not be a demigirl, and might just be a woman! Will do some more thinking in that department tomorrow.
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Two things. First, tonight, I had a dream that I magically received HRT over the Internet, and I… really, really, REALLY enjoyed it. Like, mega euphoria. Felt so girly. It was amazing! :D
And second, here’s the image that was on the jigsaw I solved yesterday!
Downscaled from 4000×3000px.
88:8888:8814:40
Two things. First, she / her feels like a good fit, today. Second, I tried tucking the two ends of my scarf under my shirt, to emulate having boobs. It didn’t work very well, and looked weird, but there was one point at which the scarf was sitting in the right place, and it looked… quite good, actually, it’s hard to tell.
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Things are… strange.
I’m feeling a sort of brain fog, except it’s more of a gender fog. I… don’t really feel like anything, right now. Like I’m back to being agender.
Maybe I’m genderfluid, then?… No clue, honestly.
I’ve illustrated how I’m feeling.
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Was gonna come out to a friend today, but wanted to make sure they weren’t a transphobe, so I led the conversation to the topic of trans people. Turns out, they’re transphobic enough that I don’t feel comfortable coming out to them, so I dodged a bullet there.
My gender’s a bit… cloudy, today, so that’s odd. I might be fluid, who knows. Shrug.
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Man. Why are things so complicated.
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Called the health centre, and after being on hold for half an hour, asked if they did HRT.
“I dunno, ask your GP.”
Managed to ask my dad for my GP’s number, under the disguise of it being for an application form, but it’s for the place they work. Still though, closer than before to getting treated.
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How am I only now realising that I get euphoric when called a girl?? How??
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Can’t stop admiring my nails! :D
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Nail polish smells much more strongly than I remember, but it’s really nostalgic. Since it’s so strong, I decided to apply it in the toilets, and didn’t do too badly! Though, my left hand didn’t know what it was doing. :)
Anyway, everything went flawlessly!! :D
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The plan is a success! My mum bought the lie.
Was really nervous, walking into Boots, but everything went fine! Went and got myself a Starbucks coffee (using my new name, of course), and am gonna apply the polish here. Or, try. :)
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Two things. One, I had gender euphoria while thinking about thigh-high socks.
Two, since my driving lesson today has been cancelled, I’m gonna take this oppurtunity to go and buy clear nail polish! Here’s the plan.
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Had another session with a Childline councillor, and am feeling a little better. Planning on going out to Boots, to get some clear nail polish.
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Suffering. I need to get rid of this testosterone, but can’t. I can’t keep living like this. Aaaaaaaaa.
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Making a big step today — I’m gonna try out the demigirl label. There’s something about femininity that really fits, with me. I’m accepting they / them as my primary pronouns, but she / her is also accepted.
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I’m now down to three options: demigirl, female or genderfluid (unlikely). That’s awesome!
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Might be a demigirl? Maybe?? I’ve honestly got no clue.
I know I’m somewhere on the spectrum between non-binary and female, but not where. Maybe I’m non-binary, maybe I’m female, maybe I’m a mix of both. Maybe I’m completely wrong. Who knows.
If any of you out there reading this are demigirls, or can relate with me, pleeeease let me know.
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Struggling.
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Very, very confused, and I don’t know what I am.
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nope nope nope nope nope i do not like this nope nope nope nope nope no muscle please and thank you
Had a chat with a counsellor from Childline about all this, and it helped clear my head! :D
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I think I’m having body dysphoria? My body looks… grotesque. I looked in the mirror, and it just… I dunno. It’s primarily my upper body, and my pecs. Just… too much muscle.
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Three things. First, I signed up to The Trevor Project’s… forum… thing, today. Second, I can’t text The Trevor Project without additional charges. And third, I’m looking for some DIY anti-androgens that don’t require ordering things online — if you have any, please let me know.
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I’ve been procrastinating about blogging about this all day, but it’s vitally important that I do.
So, I had a panic attack yesterday, but it resolved, and all was fine. I went to bed, but I just… felt so awful about myself. My body just felt so gross, and like it wasn’t mine.
I spiralled, and kept throwing insults at myself, with thoughts of… umm… unaliving. It felt awful, and I only got four hours of sleep. Obviously, I slept in, and just… didn’t want to exist, anymore.
I think I know what caused the panic attack and the other incident. During the latter, I felt this strange feeling that I can only attribute to testosterone — I think I’ve hit another bout of puberty. So that can only mean that it was dysphoria.
During a study period, in school, I did some research on hormone replacement therapy, and learned a good chunk of things. Firstly, there are several kinds of HRT, and the one I’m currently after would be testosterone blockers. Estrogen… maybe, but I’m not at the stage yet where I feel it would help. I’m still way too unsure to make that kind of decision.
Second, I learned about the side-effects, and they don’t seem to be anything I can’t handle, so. I’d rather be a bit dizzy than be stuck the way I am now.
And lastly, I learned what these treatments actually do, especially estrogen. Beforehand, I didn’t know, so it’s good that I took the time to research it all.
There are some MAJOR problems that are preventing me from getting professional help, though. The main one is that my family is very transphobic, and would hate me for doing this, and that’s not something I want to spark. Also, I’d have to see my GP, who I can only get to by asking my parents to take me. I can’t drive, and my parents would know I’m up to something if I suddenly took the bus over.
I really badly want testosterone blockers. The testosterone feeling is not a feeling I can live with. I’m considering moving to Scotland, in the future, to get away from my family, and move into a much more accepting country.
I’m also thinking of going to uni, so my family won’t know I’m getting help / treatment. It’s so confusing, aaaaargh.
88:8888:8822:30
Crisis averted. Totally not procrastinating by blogging, yep yep.
I think I was just tired. My head hurt, and I was on the brink of a panic attack. I took a nap tonight, and felt much less confused, and maybe even a bit feminine.
While I was having the nap, I thought of something. Maybe I’m slightly gender fluid? I’m not feminine all the time, but the feelings I’m getting sometimes are definitely a tad girly. Hmm.
Also, considering preferred body, periods are a thing! Definitely don’t wanna touch those! So I’m comfortable in my body as-is, for now.
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So, I’m having another bout of not knowing who I am. I know what my interests are, and what my sexuality is, but I’m questioning everything else. I don’t know which kind of body I’d prefer — it’s impossible to try another body and see how it goes, like what I did with my gender.
Everything’s very confusing. Gonna stick with agender, though — the feminine feelings might be for another reason.
88:8888:8812:50
I don’t know why, but I’m feeling a little feminine today. It’s strange, and a little out of nowhere. Feeling good, though!
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Actually, there’s one quiz that was very long, and I feel quite accurate. Here’s the results.
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Did another few quizzes, but they weren’t very good. I’ve already taken all of the good ones, so that’s about as much help I’ll get from doing quizzes.
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Had a big, long think about everything last night. I’ve stopped hating myself, but I wanted to make sure I had chosen the right label for myself.
I first asked, “Am I male?”, and tried constructing sentences with he / him pronouns for myself. Hated it. Definitely not cis, then.
“Am I female?” This wasn’t out of the question, as I had some feminine traits, but imagining myself in a female body, I wasn’t so sure I liked it. I’m fine with my current body.
So I’ve still settled on agender, and am a little more confident for it.
The hating myself that I did for as long as I know was definitely dysphoria, it’s gone away completely.
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It’s been a while, hi!
Still haven’t quite figured out who I am, but I think I’m getting closer. Last night, I looked at myself in the mirror, and felt a little euphoria. Not feeling it today, though, I dunno. I’m tired and grumpy, so.
It’s very hard to adjust my brain to being agender, and misgendering is common. Sometimes, when I think about what other people might say if I do something, I deadname myself. Eg. “Oh, I think [X]’s clothes fit his personality”, instead of “Oh, I think June’s clothes fit their personality”.
Ah, something interesting happened when I typed that example out. I felt this small dissonant feeling when I typed “he”, and when I went to write the second example, my brain wanted to write “she”, rather than “they” (although, that was probably because June still feels like a female name to me, and I’m used to the counterpart of “he” being “she”).
88:8888:8811:50
So! It’s now been 16 days since I decided to go agender. I’d say it’s starting to become familiar, but it’s still very new. The ASD group I went to yesterday made me feel validated — when I told them I was going by Juniper, but didn’t want my parents to know, they said that they’d change it on the sign-in sheet, but not in reports for home. They were very understanding, and I really appreciated that.
88:8888:8821:00
Was thinking about the fact that I didn’t have anything to blog about today, and someone suggested that it might be because I’m getting used to my transition. Honestly? Solid argument. :)
88:8888:8817:00
Got called by name today! It felt right, even if I’m not used to it yet. There’s still a lot of deadnaming going on, but that’s because I haven’t told very many people yet.
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Severely procrastinating, but I’ll take two minutes to blog.
I changed my Google account’s name to Juniper a short while ago, and every so often it pops up, and I see it, and it makes me happy. Kinda like microdosing euphoria.
Just wanted to mention that. It feels good to finally be recognised.
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My brother’s budgie died today, after a life of one month. Everyone’s really upset, and crying.
...Except me. I can’t grieve, and never could. I can’t tell if that’s good or bad.
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Feeling quite genderless today. Dunno what it is.
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I’d love to blog more, but I’m kinda running out of things to say.
Ah, just had an idea. I’ve seen some status indicators on some other neocities websites, so I’ll try adding my own, and see how it goes!
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Didn’t blog today, but it was quite uneventful, in terms of gender. Just the school open night.
I suppose my hair is floofy today, though. That’s something.
Unrelated, but I have a follower now! Woohoo! This stuff’s being read by actual people! :D
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More gender euphoria! At least, I think. I just... feel comfortable with myself. It’s weird, but a very welcome change. :)
88:8888:8815:20
I think I experienced gender euphoria just now? Maybe? Question mark?
I kinda thought about my gender, and my heart fluttered a bit. Probably on the right track, then.
In other news, I definitely don’t hate myself as much now, so.
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I got a school-coloured scarf yesterday, and am wearing it today! Everyone wears it draped over their neck, without tying it or anything, but I’m wearing mine like a cravat because it makes me stand out a little. Plus, I like the way it looks.
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Went to an autism group today, and met a fellow queer! They’re really cool. Minorly concerned about their caffeine intake, though. (Irn Bru + Monster Energy, what were you thinking??)
They shared some of their Monster with me, which was really nice of them.
Importantly, though, they’re the first person who I’ve introduced myself to with my new name! That’s an important milestone.
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Lonely.
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Don’t worry about the essay, I got it done last night.
Wearing my glasses today! They look good on me, so I’m gonna start wearing them out. I think I’ve had them for about 2 years, actually, but I just never bothered to wear them.
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The motivation didn’t work, and I now have to write the essay in 30 or so minutes. Writing this out of procrastination.
Today was pretty uneventful.
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Went to the swimming pool this morning, and my hair’s all nice and fluffy. Feeling quite androgynous.
I don’t have much else to say, though. I’m just sitting here trying to motivate myself to write an essay / do coursework. Might make more tea. Actually, I will go make more tea. I’ve got some nasty brain fog, and I hope it’s not the tummy bug my older brother has.
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Feeling quite genderless, this morning! But also, feeling quite tired. Gonna go make myself a cup of tea.
88:8888:8823:50
I wasn’t gonna mention this, because I thought it wasn’t very important, but it’s kind of escalated, so I’m gonna talk about it.
There’s this one guy in a Discord server that I’m in — not naming them, don’t want them to be harassed. Another member announced that they will be trying out she / her pronouns to see if it sticks. But instead of congratulating her for taking this step — or hell, even staying silent — he decided to send a long message, with the first line reading:
“I’m starting to feel this gender thing is doing more harm that good
“People is starting to need to answer the gender identity question as if they were forced to make a fursona”
For obvious reasons, that started a huge debate. Well, I say “debate”, but it was more like four of us trying to tell him that he’s wrong.
I’m angry, and tired, and confused, and... well, I dunno. It’s a huge mess. I need to go to bed, aaargh.
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I really wanna crossdress, but my family would find out [I live with them], so.
88:8888:8812:20
Had an experience last night that I’d like to share.
Going to bed, I snuggled with my Blåhaj. Not particularly interesting yet, I do that most nights. But I got this brief feeling of something indescribable, and looking in the mirror, I just... looked and felt right. Like I made the right choice, or something.
The feeling I had was somewhat feminine, or girly, or something. I still don’t really know what it was, but I suppose I am quite feminine, so it makes sense. It’s very confusing, and I’m still trying to figure this all out. Hope I’m making sense.
I took another gender quiz in the morning, and got “Androgynous”, so that’s another piece of confirmation.
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So I’m in an organisation, not saying which. I think my mum lightly pressured me and my siblings into it, or I thought it was cool, or both. But that’s when I was cisgender. Now, I’m not, and I’ve realised just how transphobic they are. I haven’t outed to them, for obvious reasons.
I’d really like to leave it, but I don’t know how. Just saying “I’d like to leave [blah]” would cause everyone to turn on me, including one of my old friends (although, I don’t talk with them often), and my parents would also know. Just... fed up with it all.
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Made myself a sticker for Discord!
Originally, the image had the agender flag, but it now has the MTF flag.
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I’d like to add a little more to 12:00 — I think I feel a bit more authentic and out-there now. Kinda like I don’t have to think about how I act and sound to fit with my AGAB, and don’t have to consider what to avoid doing to look less feminine. I didn’t actively think about that, though, it might be more of a subconscious thing.
Ooh, hot take! Maybe that’s why I was so self-conscious, and strongly hated myself. I’m not feeling that as much now, which is great, and the majority of that anxiety is about the completely new identity I’m trying out, which will definitely go away after a while. It’s cool that I’m seeing that this was the right choice, every day! :)
88:8888:8812:00
Feeling good! Kind of like a weight has been lifted. Dunno if that’s my transition talking, or the coffee I drank in Maths class.
88:8888:8810:20
Thinking about how homophobic, transphobic and racist Northern Ireland is.
As an example, same-sex marriage was legalised in 2020, a whole 7 years after England did it!
I’d love to tell everyone I know what I’m going through, but when most of them use “gay” as an insult, doing that would ruin my reputation. My parents hate the LGBTQ+ community especially strongly.
Unsure of what to do. Thinking of moving to Scotland or Germany, when I get the chance.
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Good morning, website =w=
Feeling a little waivery today, and did a little pondering. Don’t worry, still very much agender!
In retrospect, I don’t feel like that’s a bad sign. I think I had the same level of questioning about being male, except instead of having reasons for being what I was, it was just "But that’s just what I am".
Oh, last night was cool! The name sticker on my calculator had my deadsignature, and I replaced it. It feels good, but getting used to being Juniper is gonna be difficult.
My gold certificate for the Senior Mathematical Challenge has my deadname on it. I wanted it displayed on my whiteboard, but wanted to change the name on it, but didn’t want to scrawl over the certificate, so I covered it up with one of the magnets on the whiteboard. It works fine — I just hope my parents don’t pick up on it, as they’re strongly against transgenderism.
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Realising that I forgot to mention something about the conversation at 13:20. My friend group doesn’t tend to say names very often, and we hardly use pronouns, as we often talk in pairs, and don’t usually talk about each other. My [new] name was said once, and my pronouns didn’t come up, so getting used to my new gender might take a while.
However, the one time my name was said felt quite satisfying. It was cool to hear someone else say it.
Oh, and I also designed a new signature. It’s cool, but I’d like to refine it further. My deadname signature was really cool.
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Apparently, misgendering yourself is common at the start of your transition. That’s good. I feel a little more comfortable now. This’ll be fine.
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In Chamber Choir. Content with singing the bass part. Thought that was relevant.
88:8888:8813:20
He forgot, but I typed out what I wanted to say on my notepad app and showed it to them. It went okay! Relieved. Progress was made today.
88:8888:8812:20
I told one my friends that I’m going to try out the name Juniper, and asked him to tell another one of my friends, as I didn’t feel comfortable doing so. I don’t know if he’s done that yet, as of writing. A little nervous, honestly. The other two people in my friend group are off school, so this should be good practice.
I keep misgendering myself in my inner monologue, but it’s only been about a week, so that’s expected.
I decided to try a different gender label on the 7th of January, 2024, at around 10pm. Before that, I had an identity crisis, where I didn’t know what personality I had or what gender I really was, as I didn’t feel like my assigned gender at birth.