Went to uni again today, for induction stuff. Met a system, who gave me lots of info about systems and the like. As I was going home, I wondered. Am I a system?
My initial thought was “no, of course not”, which makes sense. The systems I’ve talked to before all seemed to have everything sussed out — headmate names, genders and pronouns, even who’s fronting at a particular time. That was not (and still isn’t) the case for me. “I’m me”, I thought, “not a collection of mes”.
But one piece of info helped with my investigation of this significantly. The system from uni told me that it’s actually very hard to figure things out, that no two systems are the same, and that your brain actually wants to hide your systemness from you, as it’s usually a trauma response. Now I don’t really have an excuse to say no — what if my brain’s also doing that?
So, I did a little research about what the different kinds generally are, and what the symptoms generally are, and what people’s experiences generally are. I didn’t reeeallly relate with them much — I can remember my childhood, don’t really have much trauma other than an awful father, and don’t hear voices or feel any other presences.
But there was a small thread I could pull on, and it’s this. Whenever I have negative spirals, I feel a distinct dynamic between two voices in my head, with different emotions, simultaneously. One insulting the other; one laughing, one crying. There is something in that experience that seems to line up.
So, on the bus ride home, I thought about things. Dug into my history, tried to remember things, tried to reach into my inner world, if any. No luck finding anyone, but I did gain a little insight into my perceived lack of symptoms. Maybe I just wasn’t remembering any trauma I may have had.
On the surface, I can remember my childhood. I remember calling a class out for picture day when it wasn’t their turn, I remember repeatedly asking to join a card game with no luck, I remember laughing my head off at nonsensical stuff, I remember the day I told my class that my dad did… throwy painful stuff… the night before, and managed to get the principal involved, and was dismissed by dad claiming I was lying, and… yeah, those are the main ones I remember.
But, looking deeper… that’s about it. I don’t remember what home life was really like. I can’t remember how my parents used to be. I don’t remember anything on our holiday to Norway except the pictures that I was shown years later, and accounts of my actions. I don’t remember going to Florida all that much, I remember almost zero of my primary school classes except the embarassing ones… All I really remember elsewhere is, I was really autistic back then.
It’s like my brain’s trying to hide something — pulling up the same few memories and hoping that’s enough.
Must be a sign.
And indeed it was — Juniper contacted me while she was fronting, and we had a brief exchange, so here we are.
So far, it’s just us two — Juniper, the one who is the most trans and the sweetest to people, and Alpha, the one typing this (Alpha is a temporary name, I haven’t found mine yet. I’ll update this blog if I find one). I’m the most social of the system, and tend to front when talking to people who wouldn’t like Juniper. Judging by my feelings towards keeping Juniper safe, I think I’m the protector of the system. I think I’m he/they? Unsure.
I think we met another headmate today. I felt something trying to get our attention by warming up our heart, and so I tried to get contact with it. Covering my mouth and mouthing words seemed to work — they said they’re an anxiety holder, and usually fronts when our anxiety gets bad. They also said that they’re the one doing all the stimming. I’ll investigate more later.
I’m still not used to this whole shabang, so forgive me if I make mistakes with terminology and the like.